Category Archives: Humor

MilesTones: Write Brain Super Dooper Bloopers

by Rev. Austin Miles


It is always good to start each day with a laugh. Indeed, I would never leave home without it. My first laugh of the day is found in the local morning newspapers, which usually keeps me lighthearted for the rest of the day.

For instance, one news story told of a truck driver in California on a busy freeway rushing to his destination, when the merchandise he was transporting spilled out on the road while rounding a curve, causing a two hour traffic delay. The driver was delivering a truck full of condoms.

With great though and journalistic skill, here was the headline The Chronicle crafted: “Truck Driver Spills His Load on Busy Freeway.”  I had to pick myself up from the floor when I saw that one. Every day those headlines pop up and some stories are so botched up in general that you can’t help but laugh.

Pay close attention to your morning headlines and some of the news descriptions of the happenings of each day and what you detect may make your day a fun day.

My anonymous minister friend, who also has a sense of humor, helped me gather up some real classic blooper headlines. Don’t be drinking coffee when you read these:

***Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter 
This one I caught in the Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible! They put in a correction the next day.

***Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 

***Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 
Now that’s taking things a bit far

***Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 
What a guy!

***Miners Refuse to Work after Death 
No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s

***Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 
See if that works any better than a fair trial

***War Dims Hope for Peace 
I can see where it might have that effect

***If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 
Ya think?

***Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 
Who would have thought it

***Enfield( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 
They may be on to something

***Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?

***Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge 
He probably IS the battery charge

***New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 
Weren’t they fat enough?

***Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 
That’s what he gets for eating those beans.

***Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

***Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again

***Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is….
***Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

The Bible tells us that It is good for your health to have a sense of humor. Take heed: “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones”

Proverbs 17:23.

Have a fun day. MilesTones


Gump on Hillary

gump on hillary




Who’s To Blame?

Out in the back yard

I do not know if there are any surgeons among you, but if so, have you ever tried surgery with a weed eater. It is not a precision tool. Some weeks ago up in the backyard, I buried some bleeding hearts. To my astonishment, many of the roots I stuck into the ground are actually growing. A couple of them have flowers. Cute little red, heart shaped flowers. I have used caution while mowing and trimming the lawn. Unfortunately, because weed eaters are so indiscriminant and imprecise, some of those burgeoning plants will need a second start. Sort of like some flaming out talk radio hosts and neo conservative magazine editors.

Several years ago, I planted a persimmon tree from root stock. Suzie-Q’s all time favorite fruit. Two actually, well four if you count the first attempt. In spite of my efforts, one has survived. For several years, it has been little more that a twig with a few oversized leafs on it. I learned through several minutes of intense study, that this tree is supposed to produce fruit in its fifth year. I told Suzie-Q she better have a chat with it, because if there is no fruit come summer time it may not warrant keeping and I would put a dogwood in the hole. Even I can grow a dogwood. I saw her taking a look. Her back was to me and her hands were on her hips. I cannot say for certain whether or not she was giving it a talking to. Maybe it was one of those Spock Vulcan mind things. While wreaking havoc on the bleeding hearts and also trimming around the tree, I noticed it now covered with tiny little persimmons. So if the tree rodents that you may call squirrels and the allied antlered rodents are kind, by fall Suzie-Q should have persimmons. For which I will take all of the credit. Sort of like the politician whose policies destroy three jobs while expecting praise for the creation of one when truthfully it was God and the cycle of nature that did all of the work.

From a distance, I noticed my rose bush looked a little sickly following its grand start this spring. Like the stock market, but not quite as sick. A closer investigation revealed a spider mite invasion – unwanted visitors sucking the life right out of a beautiful plant. Another familiar thought entered my mind just now. As I was about to unleash chemical warfare and prune the rose down to a few inches above ground and begin anew, I made another discovery. Right in the center of the thorny rose bush was a tiny bird’s nest with four little eggs in it. It made me wonder if mama bird might have smuggled these vermin into the roses aboard her nest makings. Suzie-Q and I discussed it and decided we would give mama bird and the eggs a chance. I have inspected the nest daily. It does not look like mama has returned to the nest seeing as dying rose petals partially cover the eggs. A friend of mine who knows such things tells me they should hatch in a week to a week and a half if the mama bird tends to her job. So they have another week before they go into the compost along with the spider mites and rose bush remnants.

As the day’s work ended, it was time to fire up the grill and stare out across the fruited plain of my back yard. It was rather pleasant. Sipping a cool drink while the aroma of barbequed baby back ribs and smoked sausage swirled around my head. I may not make the best barbeque you have ever eaten, but it will rank right up near the top. I would give you the sauce recipe, but it is a closely held secret. It is so secret in fact, I never committed to memory all of the ingredients. That is just in case I am ever water-boarded. Suffice it to say that when it is being concocted nothing in the kitchen from the horse-radish mustard to the dish washing soap is safe. You can be assured that when all of these varied ingredients are stirred together with a single focus in mind the results are amazing. Sort of like that American melting pot we once knew.

© 2016 All Rights Reserved J. D. Pendry

Obama-Present Day Emperor Nortan

by Rev. Austin Miles

SAN FRANCISCO-5-20-16–The City-by- the-Bay hosts numerous curiosities, consistently exhibiting behaviors beyond the norm. But the most intriguing of all was a man who identified himself as Norton 1 Emperor of the United States and subsequently, “Protector of Mexico.”

He seemed to come out of nowhere and sent notices to the various newspapers about his royal appointment, after “considering the inadequacies of the legal and political structures of The United States.” Here is that notice:

“At the peremptory request and desire of a large majority of the citizens of these United States, I, Joshua Norton, formerly of Algoa Bay, Cape of Good Hope, and now for the last 9 years and 10 months past of S.F.,Cal., declare and proclaim myself Emperor of these U.S.; and in virtue of the authority thereby in me vested, do hereby order and direct the representatives of the different States of the Union to assemble in Music Hall, of this city, on the 1st day of Feb. next, then and there to make such alterations in the existing laws of the Union as may ameliorate the evils under which the country is laboring, and thereby cause confidence to exist, both at home and abroad, in our stability and integrity.–NORTON 1, Emperor of the United States.

The announcement was first reprinted for humorous effect by the editor of the San Francisco Bulletin that no doubt brought chuckles in the Newsroom as well as to the reading public. Norton would later add, “Protector of Mexico” to his title. Thus began his unprecedented and whimsical 21-year “reign” over America.

He wore the uniform of an emperor, complete with gold epaulets, brass buttons, hat with feather adorning it, and he carried a sword.  Citizens went along with it, according him every courtesy. He was comped meals at restaurants, and was given complimentary front row seats at various theaters on opening night. He put a smile on everyone’s face who enjoyed being in the company of ‘royalty.’

He would walk the streets, “inspecting them” for any flaws and make his reports accordingly. Occasionally, Norton was a visionary, and some of his “Imperial Decrees exhibited profound foresight. He issued instructions to form a “League of Nations,” and he saw fit to decree the construction of a suspension bridge or tunnel connecting Oakland and San Francisco.  He would become increasingly irritated at the lack of prompt obedience by the authorities.

Here was his decree: 

WHEREAS, we issued our decree ordering the citizens of San Francisco and Oakland to appropriate funds for the survey of a suspension bridge from Oakland Point via Goat Island; also for a tunnel to ascertain which is the best project; and whereas the said citizens have hitherto neglected to notice our said decree; and whereas we are determined our authority shall be fully respected; now, therefore, we do hereby command the arrest by the army of both the boards of City Fathers if they persist in neglecting our decrees.

Given under our royal hand and seal at San Francisco, this 17th day of September 1872.

He was very strict in titles being used properly, especially when it came to San Francisco, prompting this Imperial Decree: “Whoever after due and proper warning shall be heard to utter the abominable word “Frisco,” which has no linguistic or other warrant, shall be deemed guilty of a High Misdemeanor, and shall pay into the Imperial Treasury as penalty the sum of twenty-five dollars.” 

Emperor Norton was, by many people, considered insane, or at least highly eccentric. He could not get a driver’s license for reason of insanity.  After a reign of nearly 20 years, on January 8, 1880, Norton collapsed at a street corner and died. The next day, the Chronicle headline was: “Le Roi est Mort’ (The King is dead.)

Over 10,000 people visited his body in state, and a huge funeral possession, witnessed by 30,000 lined the sidewalks, accompanied him to his burial plot, which is today at Woodlawn Cemetery, in Colma. The site is marked by a headstone inscribed; “Norton 1, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico.”

It is to be noted that the United Nations DID get formed and construction of the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge began on July 9, 1933 and was completed on November 12, 1936 and the Bay Area Rapid Transit’s, Transbay Tube, was completed in 1969 with Transbay Rail Service commencing in 1974. So maybe he was a real emperor after all.

This entire history brings to mind the present occupier of the White House, Barack Hussein Obama. He too appeared to come out of nowhere, and protected by incredible security that has hidden his place of birth, college records and kept secret every facet of his early life.

The difference between Obama and Emperor Norton was that Norton caused no harm to society, was colorful, and became an eccentric who was, in a way, fun to be around.

On the contrary, Obama has and IS causing great harm to the United States to the point of actually working to destroy this country.  Of the two, I will take Emperor Norton any day.


Fury at racist cartoon comparing ‘butch’ and ‘masculine’ Michelle Obama to pageant-ready Melania Trump

Leftists apoplectic with phony self-righteous rage


A cartoonist has been accused of racism after he portrayed Michelle Obama as masculine and butch next to a pageant-ready Melania Trump in a controversial drawing.

Another work of genius from @GrrrGraphics has leftists apoplectic with phony self-righteous rage.


The Two Faces Of Hillary

OUCH! — VIDEO– Ted Cruz Suspends Campaign – Then Elbows Wife in the Face

It was a rough night for Ted. It was worse for Heidi.

BREAKING! Rev. Austin Miles NOT Seeking Sex-Change Surgery!

by Rev. Austin Miles

Miles Tones: Many, including this writer, literally fell out of their chairs this morning when the news headline broke and appeared on in-boxes throughout America and Europe. It caused conservatives to choke on their coffee as social media lit up, while frantic phone calls were dispatched throughout the land.

It all started with my story: “Sex-Change Surgery Halted at John Hopkins Hospital.” This is a factual account as to why the famed hospital has discontinued “gender reassignment” surgery due to health risks, including severe mental problems resulting in countless suicides.” Here is the direct link to that story:

Readers of the prominent news site, Renew America can subscribe to stories by their favorite authors and are alerted the moment the stories break. When the notice comes in, it is formatted to show author’s name, THEN the title of the story. That is where it all started to explode in cyber space, and here is why:

The header this morning stated: Rev. Austin Miles-Sex-Change Surgery HALTED– Many readers stared at the headline in disbelief and sent emails. France stated: “Really?” Russia said, “Can’t be,” Denmark said, “AHA!” while The Assemblies of God stated, “See there-we told you so!” while the democrats proclaimed, “Hey, he’s one of us!”

My wife, grandson and great grandson assisted in getting me off the floor which is a very helpful service when one gets to be my age. Back on my feet, upright, I seriously and earnestly pondered this situation:

First of all, I could never be a woman as good looking as my wife and my beard would be a slight distraction from the sought after illusion. If perfection cannot be achieved, it won’t be attempted by this unworthy Australopithecus.

A major challenge is that I could never walk in high heels without serious wobbling. Besides, Bruce Jenner, who has never mastered that skill himself, would be disqualified as a coach. One thing for sure, it has been an eventful morning. Now it’s time to trim and shape my beard.

EXTRA READERS NOTE: Yesterday my website,, welcomed its 5 millionth visitor. Since that time, over a thousand new readers have logged in.